A Click Short of Tragedy

Those of you who know me, and those of you who don't, I often times reference to experiencing "A Click". An example of this would be in relationships. I will more than likely stay with someone and push through troubles, even if I am the only one pushing and even if staying isn't healthy. However, for some reason I cannot bring myself to do this with out feeling the switch. It only takes a split second to realize I don't want this anymore. And then...Done. No sorry, no "I love you" no chances, no negotiating, no more. This is something I cannot help, alter or even manipulate.

My first "real" relationship in high school, I was with a guy for about 8 months. For the safety of his Identity, I'll refer to him as John. I wasn't exactly happy and we'd been fighting for months on end. I tried to end it 6 months in but couldn't fully do it. I ended up staying longer, after being asked to think about it and try harder. I confused the idea of loving someone as a friend for loving someone intimately, which also made it difficult to leave as I was very confused. So its 8 months down the line, my wisdom teeth have been pulled, my mouth is sore, I'm in a lot of pain and John is next to me. Once again we found ourselves fighting. I asked him for a moment, for a night to be silent and drop the subject. Of course he couldn't. Consequently it "clicked" just like that. With in seconds, I shut down, shut off.

In a happier version of this story, a friend of mine, who after a year of pressing me, finally got what he wanted. Though I was not in love with him the same way. I asked myself day and night why I didn't feel the same. I broke up with him and then decided to give it another shot roughly two months later. I positioned myself to where we're hugging, yet I'm sitting/facing him. He smiles, looks at me and as sharp as a clock hand hits the twelve is how sharply it happened. Now thats not to say I was not feeling emotions leading up to this, but unlike most, I was able to define the very moment in which it happened.

To those of you who know me, this is nothing new right?

Well, a treat for you. Tonight I found something which takes my explanation to another level.

"Closer" (The Movie). Alice, the character played by Natalie Portman, does not leave unless she no longer loves. SPOILER ALERT! If you have not seen the movie, do not read, for I will talk about the ending! Dan momentarily leaves the room after having asked Alice to tell the truth about having sex with another character. He returns shortly after and Alice says pretty much, "I don't love you. Good bye...." and continues" It just happened, right now, right at this moment. I don't love you". Those are not her exact words but close enough. It may seem cold, but that is exactly how it happens with me. If you want to see for yourself, I suggest watching the movie. There is no better way to explain it.

There is more to the movie than just this. I saw the film when it came out on DVD and understood then how I connected with Alice. I almost prided myself on our similarities, how she left Dan in the Kitchen with out a trace. ( I like to silently leave at times). Still, there were many differences between the two of us. The obvious one, I am not a prostitute. Another is during the scene where Dan admits he cheated; Alice cried showing her vulnerable side, which I found very ugly, telling myself that would NEVER be me. I hated her attachment and her weaknesses. I hated how she could stay with such a man and asked myself why women do that to themselves.

Viewing this movie then, I never though I'd find myself a similar position. To clarify, I've never been cheated on. In fact you could say its a "Click" short of such a tragedy, a level lower, a degree lighter. So I cannot take credit for experiencing something so horrible as that. Nonetheless, I have been raveled in love, been as attached and weak, and cried, asking for the same things Alice did. The different between her and I is she had the guts to FULLY leave. I am still battling with that. Again, its a click short of a tragedy.

"Closer" represents my social life right now. The love, the betrayal, the lies, the truth, the pain, the weakness, everything. Alice replicates how things click for me, my ideas on love, my style of leaving and my urge to start a new life far away. The rest of the characters mirror the situation I've found myself in thus mirroring my emotional connection to things.

I ask if you want to understand me a little bit better, watch the movie. It's not pretty. It also isn't 100% me. But for now, its...closer...