"Instead"

This morning it took me quite some time to wake up, about an hour. I laid there quite a while, exhausted from having gone to bed at 3am. I decided to make waffles with red and black berries, which I ate here and there while trying to get ready in the rest of the twenty minutes I had. With my lap top with me trying to decide on what I should listen to, Emarosa and the the lovely vocals? No, not today. AFI? I’d rather not, that reminds me of high school, lets not make this trip sad. Scrolling through the various lists of artists I came across the Jazzy Madeleine Peyroux. The first song was very appropriate for my morning mood. (Titled Instead). It was enough to reflect how I felt as well as how I wanted to feel. I could choose to sulk or attempt to be a little bit more content.

2 songs later and with five minutes before class, only ten minutes away, I began to rush. Almost to the bell tower (still a little bit further to go) I started to laugh. I had mistaken yesterdays schedule for today, meaning I didn’t start at 9:40, I start at 10:10am. I could have finished breakfast, played with my cat, sat there a little longer, or maybe even rinsed my dish. On most days this would have irked me. However, today, I thought to myself “Blog”

So here I am, class is actually starting now, roll is begun, students are chatting about god knows what. So must say farewell.

Tonight I will attempt to post about the positives in my day yesterday. Granted very sad news hit, I want to share all of my day.

Tah tah for now.

There are so many things I have to say...

Over spring break I finally visited Fremont high, which I attended from Freshman to Senior year. For one reason or another this was the first visit since my graduation in 08’. Feeling slightly weird about being back and not sure what to do, I went to the first place of comfort. Mr. (Tim) Shannon’s office, or as some would call it “the drama room”. As timing would have it, it was after school thus most people had left; those lingering were there for the musical (which means from all the schools in the district) also meaning most of everyone was unfamiliar. However, opposite to the door sat Tim in his chair while clicking away on his computer. As I began to approach him with out his knowledge, I noticed the drama room lacked it’s distinct smell and its loudness.

My mind flashed back to Melisa, Anna, Clair, Erica, and the many others who spent their lunches in the drama room, screaming, shouting, sometimes fighting, nonetheless always happy. My legs pushed through the presence of imaginary people, snapping me back into reality. Placing my hand lightly on Tim’s shoulder, hoping to surprise him, he turned blanked faced for a moment. Then realizing it was me, a great big smile crept upon his face and he welcomed me with a bright hug. I told him I had been good, that school was fine, and conversed about how longs its been. My eyes scanned the room for pieces of me and memories I could connect with; not much changed and I was relieved to find my senior portrait still on the wall.

I cannot say why exactly, even if I wanted to, but I felt at a loss for words. I told Tim that I would be back shortly but that I just wanted to say hi to Ms. Liu before she left. Shannon demanded I come see him soon, and if not to meet him for coffee along with the other drama alumni the next day since he was leaving in fifteen minutes or so. Agreeing to such plans, I left.

I couldn’t shake off this strange feeling. Roaming the halls I became, homesick. Thats not the word I’m looking for but it will do for now. I thought about the first day I ever met Mr. Shannon. which was really the second day of school since I missed the bus the morning of. Arriving a day late to high school and even more scared because of it, I sat timidly in class. Luckily I found myself next to Jessica, who was as equally obsessed with whip cream, Angelina Jolie and Fishnets as much as I was. By the end of the day I was starting to feel a little bit better. As we all sat in the red theatre seats, Shannon addressed me. Unaware of his full face, I saw him looking in another direction. I corrected him, assuming he had been mistaken me for someone else, saying “uhh, Mr. Shannon, I’m over here…” Jessica broke out in laughter and I couldn’t understand why. She whispered in my ear “Tim is cock-eyed”. He turned his full face to me and it all came into view. “I’m sooooo so so sorry” I kept saying. He brushed it off, finished giving directions and went off. A slight pause and I found myself in the present moment, laughing about the incident.

I never made it to the coffee the next day. I felt very guilty but dismissed it saying “I’ll just have to visit him the next break”. Now there is no next time. I received news that Tim passed away earlier today from a heart attack. I don’t normally cry, specially with death. I have dealt with this issues so many times you could say I’m quited desensitized. However, I began to cry for a good while. I again kept going through the many memories of the past: the time where we watched the Laramie Project in class since we were doing the play, all the moments he let me leave to the store accross the street to grab ice cream, when I auditioned for Juliet and it was between Lyssa, Melissa and I, his jokes and the way he would tease me, when he gave his speech about me during the 08’ phonies and I had no idea it was about me. This list goes on...

I have so many things left to say.

Tim: If you can still read this, I’m very very sorry I never went to the coffee event you invited me to. I should have told you the following day or at least let you know the chance would be small since I had no car. I know you wouldn’t be mad but I felt very guilty. Now I feel even more guilty for leaving to talk to Ms. Liu when I should have just talked to you, regardless of the fact that I felt awkward.

Nonetheless, I am grateful that I saw you at all. You were one of the most memorable people to enter my life and were one of the best teachers I’ve had. I always brag about how awesome you are. The first image of you that comes to mind always, is you with a warn and bright smile on your face. To be honest, unless you were yelling about how we needed to take things more seriously, which I think you’ve only done twice in the all four years I was at Fremont, you were bright and happy. With all your fun, you still managed to push so many students far and into a positive direction. You influenced so many, I included.

I wasn’t aware at the time but looking back, I understand how much confidence you gave me. When I didn’t believe in myself, you would pull me aside and say ” You can do this, don’t worry about it”. I may have not been the best actress or ever have had the biggest roles, but when I was around you I felt bigger. When you presented the Gypsy Robe Award, that was a sure confirmation that you had seen something larger with in me than I could not see in my own self. I may have not been shy either, but still, you gave me a lot of balls. Every time I’ve ever auditioned I thought of you and still do, which will continue in the future as well. You are one more reason for me to push through and keep my eyes on the goal. You wrote my letter of recommendation, you always made me feel so unique, special and welcomed. You gave me the chance to experience high school the best way possible. I regret nothing of it.

Again, I’m sorry I didn’t converse more with you. I took for granted your presence. I wish I told you about all the roles I’ve had, the things I’ve learned. I wanted to show you my progress as an actress, I wanted to let you know that all this was because of you and your the seed you planted while teaching. Thank you for all the many memories, you will not be forgotten because you will always be felt.

We love and miss you.

Oh and Mr. Shannon, I’m sure you’ll be proud to know that I took improv and broke through many walls!I took improv! And did well! I hope one day we can play lovely theatre games again. RIP.

Do I Dare?

Secret of the week (off of post secret blog); dare I post which one I connect to most? This can be scary. Maybe I'll do this only some times.

This weeks "secret"

Thank God it's Monday?

Mondays used to be sooo....blah. Now, a few reasons why they just got better...

I am happy to announce that today was the first day my plan was set in action! Last quarter I had a bit of a rough patch; my health kind of....dropped, a long with my grades and well just about everything else. I finally had my long needed spring break and decided NO MORE!!!! I NEED TO GET MY BALANCED LIFE.

My new goals consisted of getting my apartment clean and re organized. Ok so I'm not quite done with that but the bathroom is good and 90% of the kitchen. Secondly I would eat healthy to lower my high blood pressure and feel better all the way around. I ate carrots with honey mustard dressing, raisins, apples, Mexican food and brownies lol. ( I can never cut those out of my diet).

The most exciting part of my plan, the one that I started today (Monday) was yoga with Janki! An hour of stretching, which I really enjoy already. It felt soooo good. I found that I was able to breathe a little better. For those of you who don't know, I have some fairly serious breathing issues. I noticed that my sternum did hurt, which the doctor and I discussed already. That is beside the point. I will continue yoga class every Mondays and Wednesdays; I'm even thinking about Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5-6am. I'm not sure how well that will happen. I didn't today but I want to do some actual working out before yoga class M/W/F.

To add to the list of positives on Monday, Sam Smith, a friend of mine and I exchange a song suggestion for the "Song of the week". It's something small but it's a way to stay in touch, connect mentally and emotionally (since music is pretty personal) and something to look forward too.

Also, I plan on doing homework in the Library after class until 4 with a friend, and after yoga, (although this is just talk for now) we'll watch arrested development. BEST SHOW EVER!

In conclusion, I've just made Monday a little better. Care to join?

A Click Short of Tragedy

Those of you who know me, and those of you who don't, I often times reference to experiencing "A Click". An example of this would be in relationships. I will more than likely stay with someone and push through troubles, even if I am the only one pushing and even if staying isn't healthy. However, for some reason I cannot bring myself to do this with out feeling the switch. It only takes a split second to realize I don't want this anymore. And then...Done. No sorry, no "I love you" no chances, no negotiating, no more. This is something I cannot help, alter or even manipulate.

My first "real" relationship in high school, I was with a guy for about 8 months. For the safety of his Identity, I'll refer to him as John. I wasn't exactly happy and we'd been fighting for months on end. I tried to end it 6 months in but couldn't fully do it. I ended up staying longer, after being asked to think about it and try harder. I confused the idea of loving someone as a friend for loving someone intimately, which also made it difficult to leave as I was very confused. So its 8 months down the line, my wisdom teeth have been pulled, my mouth is sore, I'm in a lot of pain and John is next to me. Once again we found ourselves fighting. I asked him for a moment, for a night to be silent and drop the subject. Of course he couldn't. Consequently it "clicked" just like that. With in seconds, I shut down, shut off.

In a happier version of this story, a friend of mine, who after a year of pressing me, finally got what he wanted. Though I was not in love with him the same way. I asked myself day and night why I didn't feel the same. I broke up with him and then decided to give it another shot roughly two months later. I positioned myself to where we're hugging, yet I'm sitting/facing him. He smiles, looks at me and as sharp as a clock hand hits the twelve is how sharply it happened. Now thats not to say I was not feeling emotions leading up to this, but unlike most, I was able to define the very moment in which it happened.

To those of you who know me, this is nothing new right?

Well, a treat for you. Tonight I found something which takes my explanation to another level.

"Closer" (The Movie). Alice, the character played by Natalie Portman, does not leave unless she no longer loves. SPOILER ALERT! If you have not seen the movie, do not read, for I will talk about the ending! Dan momentarily leaves the room after having asked Alice to tell the truth about having sex with another character. He returns shortly after and Alice says pretty much, "I don't love you. Good bye...." and continues" It just happened, right now, right at this moment. I don't love you". Those are not her exact words but close enough. It may seem cold, but that is exactly how it happens with me. If you want to see for yourself, I suggest watching the movie. There is no better way to explain it.

There is more to the movie than just this. I saw the film when it came out on DVD and understood then how I connected with Alice. I almost prided myself on our similarities, how she left Dan in the Kitchen with out a trace. ( I like to silently leave at times). Still, there were many differences between the two of us. The obvious one, I am not a prostitute. Another is during the scene where Dan admits he cheated; Alice cried showing her vulnerable side, which I found very ugly, telling myself that would NEVER be me. I hated her attachment and her weaknesses. I hated how she could stay with such a man and asked myself why women do that to themselves.

Viewing this movie then, I never though I'd find myself a similar position. To clarify, I've never been cheated on. In fact you could say its a "Click" short of such a tragedy, a level lower, a degree lighter. So I cannot take credit for experiencing something so horrible as that. Nonetheless, I have been raveled in love, been as attached and weak, and cried, asking for the same things Alice did. The different between her and I is she had the guts to FULLY leave. I am still battling with that. Again, its a click short of a tragedy.

"Closer" represents my social life right now. The love, the betrayal, the lies, the truth, the pain, the weakness, everything. Alice replicates how things click for me, my ideas on love, my style of leaving and my urge to start a new life far away. The rest of the characters mirror the situation I've found myself in thus mirroring my emotional connection to things.

I ask if you want to understand me a little bit better, watch the movie. It's not pretty. It also isn't 100% me. But for now, its...closer...

Day 1 (How Original)

It seems like each week I'm starring at a different friend's blog, reading about their interests and watching them document their life. I never really have been a blogger, however, I find myself thinking night after night the many things I wish to express. I feel at times as though I'm a prisoner of my own mind, thus I'm looking for an escape or a release. During the Myspace age this was much easier to do with bulletins and posts. Being as that I now use facebook, which functions differently, I am not as easily able to share with the world what I would like or the way I would like.

Tonight, well Easter morning, I begin.

I really don't have one specific idea for this blog yet. Bear with me while I mold this into something fitting to my personality. The title is Kori Meets World, yes, a reference to Boy Meets World. I have found myself coming to many different walls and corners in life a little before senior year ended. I have been "forced" to face the world and events for what they are. I'm not sure how much of this will end up but I understand that I'm constantly re-evaluating what I know and challenging myself and adding to my collection of morals and beliefs.

Well its 3:30 am, I have to rehearse for a ten minute short in twelve hours.

I will be back on soon to post more.

Christina, a.k.a Kori